general optimism

Sometimes it's not so bad having a dead mom. Like when you're texting your boyfriend filthy things, you never have to worry that you're going to accidentally send it to your mom. You know?

Thanks, cancer!

lucky

My life is a pretty easy one.


I have a good job working for a company I admire. I work with good people. We have a good time and we take pretty good care of each other.


I have good friends who make me laugh and call me on my bullshit and let me take care of them a little and help me when I need it.


I have a boyfriend I really, really like. And he likes me too! Crazy.


I'm healthy. I run. I eat a lot of fruit and I get enough sleep and I've run a 5k or two in my time -- the Tulsa Run is coming up, and I'll be running that one. You should come out. I'll also be moving that weekend, so you should definitely come help with that! Just kidding. I think we've got it under control, the whole moving thing.


But it's a nice little life, this life of mine.


When you're as lucky as I am and your life is as easy as mine, sometimes you have to look around and find something to do to help.


When someone puts a delicious meal in front of you and tells you rollicking stories while keeping your wine glass full, it makes sense to offer to help wash the dishes. You know?


So I am excited to have an opportunity to give something back. I'm looking forward to working with a local hospice, volunteering to hang out with some older folks who might not have the same luck I've had. Maybe I'll get a look at my future. Maybe I'll just paint some fingernails.


I'm excited about it. I'm looking forward to putting some good energy back out into the universe. This universe has been really good to me. It's about time I thanked it properly.


Let's see how this goes!

my phone takes pictures.

A woman broke down crying after meditation class last night. Big loud sobs. The instructor was coming around, giving hugs.

She asked me the first time if I'd allow it. I was surprised. I had my back to her, picking up my stuff, getting ready to leave, not really paying attention as she went around hugging everyone. She got to me and said, "Kate? Do you hug?" I straightened up and blinked.

"Yeah, I do hugs."

And we hugged and I laughed and she laughed and I thought the whole thing was pretty sweet.

Last night, I wrote down the address for the next class. Now I have to decide between ballroom dancing and meditation, Thursday nights. Or try to do both. Both on the same night?

We all waited for the woman to stop crying. The instructor hugged her, patting her back. People murmured soothing things.

I don't know what set her to her crying. But we were in a church. There are worse places to break down. You know?

Wasps are trying to colonize the house. I've tried to explain, gently, that our landlord has already found a new renter. The wasps keep showing up, buzzing softly, knocking into light fixtures. I think they are looking for a warm place to spend the winter. A safe place. I don't know how to tell them to keep looking. They don't listen anyway.

Illustrations. My orchid is still hanging in there. Two blooms left, and three fallen comrades lined up on the windowsill. I'm not the sort to save flowers. I don't keep much sentimental crap around in general. Normally, I just accidentally keep ticket stubs -- oh. Look at this. It's been riding around in the outside pocket of my backpack ever since I got back. And it's already back.

I never said I wasn't sentimental. Just that I don't keep a lot of sentimental crap around.

What else we got in here? The poster on my boss's wall. Our pranks are important to us, round these parts.

Ivan is an aggressively affectionate cat. His giant gorilla-face is frequently the last thing you see before there's cat hair in your nose and claws caught in your hair and, well. Ivan Himself. Purring in your face because he has conquered you. Do my toes look fat in that picture?

The cabinet above my desk is my mini-pantry. It's much healthier than the snack cabinet down in the kitchen. If you're ever downtown and starving and can get past security, I'll share my snacks with you.

I'm just kidding. We don't really have "security."

I like board games. Also, I was showing Mr. Bretz what his board game options will be when he comes to Tulsa to visit me.

Hear that? When he comes to Tulsa to visit me?

Oh, and the book. So I'm interested in having a GOOD relationship. Even if it takes a self-help book or two. I'll let you know how it turns out.

tea towels

I don't know if my mom made these. I found them when Jess and I cleaned out the garage.

We dealt with the last of Mom's things.

Finally, right?

I'm dealing with these by washing them, folding them and putting them in a kitchen drawer.

I traced the stitches with my fingers. I stared at them like I could read them. My mom sewed a lot, see, more than she wrote. Her handwriting is instantly recognizable to me, so why shouldn't there be a tell in her stitches?

Maybe I just don't know how to read embroidery.

I'll keep the tea towels anyway.

They're useful.

trust me.

I don't smoke anymore.

I don't drink nearly as much as I used to.

I don't sleep around. I'm all about monogamy. Plus, I really like my boyfriend.

I don't indulge in recreational drugs.

Most nights, I'm in bed way before midnight.

I have learned my life lessons, and I learned 'em good. Mostly.

So it surprises me when a new friend mentions one of her other friends and what pops into mind (and almost but not quite out of my mouth) is, "Oh, I know her! I fucked her husband!"

I apologize. I did bad things a long time ago. I'm much better behaved these days. I promise.

I didn't say it out loud, so I'm counting that as progress.

nice and spicy, just like my mother's

I have been trying to come up with a reasonable plan for skipping winter. Since moving to a tropical island is out of my price range, it's probably a good idea to make peace with the season.

Let's think of some GOOD things about winter.

Anything?

Anything at all?

Okay, fuck that. Let's eat some goulash.

coffee for my notions.

I signed a lease yesterday.

I put a deposit down on an apartment.

I agreed to stay in Tulsa one more year.

I put it in writing.

I hadn't planned on leaving, mind you.
But I hadn't thought about whether I wanted to stay.

Or whether I wanted to leave.

So I did some thinking. And some packing. And some sorting and some more thinking. And I started putting things into a pile of stuff to sell in a yard sale. And I found myself picking things up and holding them, squeezing them, saying goodbye to them.

Goodbye, my clunky filing cabinet that used to have the squeaky drawer until I fixed it.

Goodbye, my shoes that hurt my feet and didn't really look all that great, really, since I was always limping when I wore them.

Goodbye, my unflattering sweater I kept for so long because it looked like the sort of thing the person I used to think I wanted to be would wear.

I wasn't her. It didn't fit. I'm done with that part now. I'm moving on to something else.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm apprehensive.

The new place has a dishwasher.

Modern luxuries boggle me.

The new place is all mine.

But my sister's new place is just a few blocks away.

A few blocks of public space between our two distinct private spaces.

Deep down, wrapped around my spine where all my basic truths live, the notion that this is a beautiful beginning has opened sleepy eyes.

Hi, I missed you.

Me and Mr. Bretz. And some other stuff.

omg tahoe.

I like this one because it shows where we sat and I am a dork.

I like this one because I feel it is an accurate representation of me and Mr. Bretz.

SLC airport. Yeah, these are in no particular order. Sort of reverse order. Poorly shuffled. Like an old iPod.

Leaving Tulsa. I know that because I was excited enough to be taking pictures. On the way back, not so much.

The ducks were not amused by my adventure, and they told me so as they paddled reluctantly away from their comfy little private beach. Mostly they said, "quack."

There were a lot of contenders, but I was only looking for One Rock.

Here's another also-ran.

Sometimes sisters need pie or they won't be sisters anymore.

Study buddies.

When it's this early, the world really is blurry. Ivan agrees.

Something neon and Reno-y.

omg rock fort The chosen Rock. Currently residing in Reno.

The End.

coming down fast

I had "Helter Skelter" stuck in my head when I ran yesterday morning. It's a good one for running, actually. Simple and repetitive until you start thinking about Sharon Tate.

When I GET to the BOTTOM I go BACK to the TOP of the SLIDE. Left foot hits on the emphasized words. See?

I ran for 31 minutes in shorts and a giant fuzzy gray pullover I meant to pull off and never did. 44 degrees is colder than I expected! My legs went numb. My hands tried to cramp up, I was holding so tightly to the cuffs of my giant fuzzy gray pullover. So I made myself push the sleeves back. Punishment for acting like a big baby. The cold was astonishing when I turned into the wind at the 23rd street bridge. I gasped and blinked back wind-driven tears, but I didn't slow down.

A week or two ago, I was running an out-and-back route and only meant to cross the pedestrian bridge at 28th-ish and turn around. I had a little extra time and ran down the steps on the other side of the bridge. I accidentally surprised a crane or a heron or whatever those gigantic birds are -- I had never seen one up close before! That sucker was huge! I couldn't tell you which of us was more surprised. The creature burst into flight and swooped out across the river, leaving me stunned and only still running because it had all happened too fast to stop.

I think it was a crane. Big white bird. 5 foot wingspan at least. Unless I'm making him bigger in my head. I do that sometimes. Memories get exaggerated.

I felt like the rudest person ever, busting in on him like that.

Today it's cold and rainy here at the edge of downtown. I've looked at a lot of apartments in the last few days. I've found some promising prospects. I am not looking at any more until Tuesday. My head is too full, and I am taking the weekend off. In Reno. Kisses.

October Scratch -n- Sniff

Dollar General has the most interesting candy. My dad likes his socks. Chickens are everywhere. The late afternoon sunlight is so warm and bright, sometimes it's hard to leave my office and go home. I am very busy and that might be why I am forgetting to do regular stuff like go to yoga class. I do a lot of wandering and I am very busy and I am trying to keep it all straight with post-it notes and a planner.

The End.